When I was young I would be the first to try just about anything. In fact that got me in trouble a few times.  I have always had an adventurous spirit and wanted to try the thing that would make my skin tingle and give me that since of no control...Yes I will admit  that included recreational drugs and alcohol for a time of my life. while i was in Korea 1 years ago...A decade ago!!!!!!!! I really pushed it. I had been pushing it a while when I was in school, but in Korea I had nothing to lose. I was away from family, surrounded by others doing the same thing that I was, and every opportunity to do it. I know that many of the things that I did went completely against everything that I had been raised to believe. I definitely made some big mistakes in that part of of my life. What made me even think about this is music. I was listening to music from when I was in college and as always the stream of deep emotions and memories came back with every lyric.  It made me start thinking about that girl. what exactly happened to her? I mean I know I met a man, fell in love,and three babies later here we are, but what happened to that girl who was up for anything. I can remember a time when the guys could call me at 11:30 and as say that they were going out and had 15 minutes to get ready so that we cold hit the bar before 12:00 get the specials...

           I know that my priorities are different now. I mean I have a family, but never do I ever just think I'll drop everything and go to ....whatever.  Instead of bars now it would be coffee with the mommies on Thursdays, lunch with my friends at McDonald's, or simply reaching out to that doctors wife in line at the super Walmart that I really want to get to know but am too intimidated to do. How crazy that the girl that used try anything is now so easily intimidated. How does that intimidation effect the life path that I have chosen now? If I am honest with myself the answer is Hugely!!! I have allowed moments to pas without ever taking them captive. Things that I KNOW I should have said to people, but became so afraid about what that person might think about me, opportunities completely missed and actually avoided! 

              I share all of this because the last month I have had dire conviction about this and about the life that I have chosen. I have allowed myself to be happy sitting on the side lines of my life. Some how I went to sit down and forgot to get up and go back into the game. Because of that my passion and conviction have been compromised and I am constantly aware that I am not being all that I can. I don't want my children to think like I do. I want them all to know that they are only limited by themselves and that there is no limit to what they can do, where they can go, or who they can touch. That is why I CHOOSE to CHANGE!! 

I am taking back the ground that I have for too long allowed the enemy and others take from me. I can not control what others do but I can control what I chose to do. that means losing weight, getting in shape, and yes to prove to myself that I have truly made a change, I am working towards a Tough Mudder.

Oh the Sweet Pain

On the 15th of February I woke at 2:30 so sick I could hardly make it to the bathroom. for the next four hours I spent most of the time over the toilet throwing up. Nothing was helping and every time I took phenergan or anything else it stayed for 2 minutes and was out. I called my OB and he was in surgery all morning, but his nurse told me that if I couldn't go 2 hours with out throwing up to go on to labor and delivery. The ironic thing was that I was scheduled to go in latter that day to begin the process of induction. When I got to the hospital I was very dehydrated and as the day progressed I went into labor on my own. When our doctor came in he checked and I was to a 3.5 and 75% effaced so we decided to see what would happen. Labor pains became of steady and it seemed that we were going to have Callan with out a lot of intervention. I was excited as sick as I was.  The next morning Dr. Tadvick came in to break my water. When he went to check me he said that he had shaken hands with the baby. He seemed a little concerned and went and got the sonogram. After looking at what seemed was his hand we realised that it was the babies cord. He broke my water and skilfully manipulated the cord until it was not pressed  against the head. For the next few hours I laid as still as I could and finally I said I really wanted my epidural. The anaesthesiologist came up and began the procedure...all did not go well. It took 45 minutes multiple attempts and then it didn't work. Dr. Tadvick just "happened" to deliver a baby around 12 and was on the floor. he came to check on me and when he went to check progression what we felt was going to be a normal delivery became emergency very quickly. 

 Callan's cord had completely prolapsed and his heart rate right at that moment began to go down. Dr. Tadvick looked at me grabbed my hand and said we are going to have to do an emergency c-section right now.  My head was spinning. The reality was not hitting me. My aunt was there with me and called Mom and Mick, who had gone to lunch to come back. It seemed like everything was in a flash from that moment on. They had called another Dr. to come and do the epidural again and by the time he got there it had  become a general anesthetic.  Mick got to the room. A hat was put on my head.  Dr Tadvick grabbed both of our hands and began to pray and before I knew it I was being bounced down the hall to the OR.  Once in the Or the reality of how serious things were really hit me. a nurse had asked for something and I heard Dr. Tadvick's  NPR say that we did not have time for that.... All of the sudden I knew. I knew that I could loose this precious one that I had drempt of. I had convinced Mick that we needed one more in our family. I longed for this child to the point of achking aching and now I could be watching him slip from my fingers. It was  more than I could even comprehend....It was at that moment that Dr. Tadvick's NPR looked at me and saw that I had just gotten it. She grabbed my hand and I honestly am not even sure what she said, but the peace that went all over me was consuming. before I knew it I was out and then waking up with BAD pain in the recovery room. Callan was here and safe and healthy. 

I am amazed at how God orchestrated every thing that day. How even weeks before he began to gather every thing and every one  for this moment. Three weeks earlier we were able to move Dad to Hendricks in Abilene. Mom and Dad were able to be here for this!!  Dad got to hold his new grandson hours after he was born and my heart over flows. How thankful I am that He is in control and not me. How thankful we are as a family to have such an incredible doctor that went to God even before we began the event. How wonderful this crazy event was simply because God put us together with a doctor who believes that all his wisdom and skill comes from the Father and he knows that with out Him we are all nothing.  We praise God for His grace!!! We praise him because He is worthy and there is no other who can compare to His glory, wonder, or excellence!!! 

Oh God is good!!! He takes my ashes and makes the most beautiful gardens in my life. never have I ever know such mercy and grace and deserved it so little. I am starting to understand the expression, " Though He slay me yet I will serve Him!" What a glorious thing for Him to use the pain in our lives to His glory and prove to All those in our lives that He is supreme and deserves our all. Every day I am seeing a little more how death is the ultimate goal here. How crazy that I would try for so long to Live when all he needed was for me to be willing to die. WOW!!!

He Never Gives In

On of my favorite songs is by David Crowder Band,  He Never Gives Up. I am constantly being reminded that My God does not give in.  No matter what obstacles seem to rise from the muck and mire of this world.  this last week I was given yet another opportunity to prove to myself where my faith lies. I am pregnant and I am diabetic.  Because of the combination I not only have a regular OB, Dr. Tadvick,( whom Mick and I absolutely love), but I also go to a specialist in maternal and fetal medicine, Dr. Maberry. We love both of our Dr.s and trust them with out hesitation. Two months ago Dr. Maberry told me that he felt that I should see a pediatric cardiologist  juts to be on the safe side. My appointment was this last week. Callan got an over all A for structure and flow, but Dr. Day did find a small issue. The septum between the chambers of the heart are thicker than they should be. This makes it more cumbersome for the heart to pump blood in and out.

I will admit that i held together really well as he was explaining things to me. I smiled at the desk on the way out and said hello to the people coming into the building. I then  picked up my phone and called my mommy. When I heard her voice a slew of emotions flooded me and I began to weep. I explained everything that Dr. Day had told me and she sweetly began to remind me that we kn ow the facts but we also know His truth. The truth is that I am the daughter of Lazarus and not only that I am a daughter of the king. He is in control of this life and there is nothing that I can do but trust Him and know that I know that I know...He will take care of my child and Callan will be born healthy and strong.

In other fronts Dad is doing better every day. he going to be moved to a special hospital that will prepare him for rehab. We are all excited and a little scared. The move is a huge leap forward, but then look what Dad and our God have accomplished already!! God is good all the time and I know that we will be seeing even bigger things to come. He never gives up on us and I we must make the choice that we will not give up the battle.

WOW!

So it has been...I have no idea how long it have been since my last post. This last summer and fall have held tremendous trials, surprises, and blessing for us. Some much so that I will admit to being totally overwhelmed and blogging has not even been on the stove less alone the the back burner.

To make a very long story short my Daddy has been fighting for his life since May and  my husband and I have taken over the business, their personal bills, and my grandmother.  You can follow what has been going on at my facebook page @ http://www.facebook.com/keri.davidson . Please look at it the Journey that the Lord has led us on is like no other!!!  Because of that I have had reevaluate what I am doing in my family, my life, my blog, and everything that I am a part of and touch.  Nothing can be the same in my life and the life of my family ever again.

To add to all the fun that we have had , we found out in June that we would be making an addition to our family. In February we will be adding a boy, Callan Joseph and we could not be happier about it.  It has been a difficult pregnancy and without the support system that we have had in the past, it has at times stretched me to lengths that I never thought were possible.

So with all of that in background let me share with you what I am hearing today and have through out this week. "What's it to you?!"  There has been more stress and unorder in our lives this month alone than I can ever remember.  We have had health issues, financial issues, and relationship issues. At times I felt that it was more than I could bare, but God has been abundant in grace and for the first time in my life I rely completely on Him.  The What's It to You part has been really hard to deal with. If he chooses to take the life of my father what is it to me? If He chooses to stop the extra income that we have ( and when I I say extra I mean a couple of houses that I clean and that help us make ends meet.) what's it to me?  If we have complications bringing Callan into the world, what's it to me?  The reason I say what's it to me is what can I do about it? He is the one who holds my past, present, and future. He is one on control and this is His show.  I am simply an instrument that He plays  for His purpose and my prayer is that my sound is sweet and pleasing to Him in every way.

Working Through Trust

There have been times over the years that I have said, "I will trust God in this matter." I really thought that I was being sincere about it. I thought that I had a handle on it. The truth is that I had no idea. I am learning that to say one thing and then put it into practice are two very different things. 

One of my favorite verses has always been John 13:15 "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face."  I always thought that I had a handle on it. I thought that I would be one of the first to stand and praise regardless. The truth is this though. I am a wreck a mess a complete and utter shamble of what I thought. How do I know this? Because He is teaching me what it means to really trust.

Websters say this of trust: 

-NOUN

1. RELIANCE ON THE INTEGRITY, STRENGTH,ABILITY, SURETY,ETC., OF A PERSON OR THING; confidence.

2. CONFIDENT expectation of something ; hope

3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit; to sell merchandise on trust.

That is trust as a noun. I had never really thought of the word as a either a noun or verb. 

-verb ( with out an object)

1. TO RELY UPON OR PLACE CONFIDENCE IN SOMEONE OR SOMETHING(USUALLY FOLLOWED BY IN OR TO): to trust in another's honesty; trusting to luck

2. to have confidence, hope: Things work out if only one trusts.

-verb ( with an object)

1. TO HAVE TRUST OR CONFIDENCE IN; RELY OR DEPEND

2. TO BELIEVE

3. TO EXPECT CONFIDENTLY; HOPE

When put this way I have found that I am very far off the mark. I too often say I trust you Lord, but do I CONFIDENTLY EXPECT? Have I simply learned enough of the religious gargin that I just spew it out just so everyone knows that I am on the same page with them? I have to answer YES. 

For me I am learning trust. I am learning that I can expect and that I am not some step child that the Lord took in because he felt so sorry for me. He wanted me. He desperately fought and claimed me. Because of that I can trust. Because of that I can confidently  expect. 

Proverbs 13:12 tells us that "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." 

I must chose. Will I worry about what I can not change or will I gain confidence in knowing that it is beyond me and frankly, it's not my problem. I'm going to try to go with the not my problem...I am going to focus on what I can do and should do, which is to take everything with prayer and supplication before God. I am going to pray that He will place His desires in my heart and that I will be able to let go of the things that I once felt important. I am going to TRUST!

I am planning on getting some fabric next week to start a few new projects.  Until then, here is my take on Matilda Jane. I love it so! The close are effortless to make and yet they look so expensive. The pattern took me a while to figure out, but once I did It was really more simple than I had thought. 

Until I start my next project...Make It Work Mama!!!